Carmy Fear on Suente

When You Go Quiet I Suffocate

Sun, 01 Mar 2026 12:16:15 +0300

When we stop talking, even for a short while, which never happens for a long period after we came to be us, something inside me collapses faster than I would like to admit. I start turning against myself. I replay everything. I magnify my mistakes. Distance with you doesn’t feel neutral; it feels like falling back to zero. That’s why I spoke before about love becoming a coping mechanism. Trauma survivors, especially avoidant ones, sometimes convince themselves that love alone is enough healing. It becomes the new comfort zone, the new safe place where everything feels quiet and manageable.

Do Not Send Me There

Sun, 01 Mar 2026 00:00:00 +0300

I know it is selfish. I know it is. when you are hurting, when I am the one who caused it, something in me collapses inward and suddenly I am the one crying. not for you, for me. for the version of me that did this again. and the distance grows not because I stopped caring but because I got swallowed by my own guilt before I could reach you. I was not there for you. and then I blamed myself for not being there, which is its own kind of abandonment, leaving you twice, once by what I did and once by disappearing into my own shame.

I Need You

Sun, 01 Mar 2026 00:00:00 +0300

The more time I spend with you the more I realize it was never just love. I need you. and I mean every single word of that, I am not reaching for poetry, I am telling you something I fought very hard to never have to tell anyone.

I tried to lie to myself for a long time. I told myself I didn’t want this, didn’t want to love you, didn’t want to arrive at a place where another person became necessary to me. I was afraid of dependency the way some people are afraid of heights, not because it isn’t real but because the fall from it is. and somewhere underneath that fear, only recently coming into focus, was something I didn’t know how to hold about myself. that I feel things deeply. that I always have. that the numbness wasn’t my nature, it was my defense. I loved too much and got hurt too completely and somewhere along the way something in me made a decision, if feeling everything is going to cost this much then feel nothing at all. and so I went quiet inside. for years I went quiet inside.

The Feeling of Run and Vulnerability

Sun, 01 Mar 2026 00:00:00 +0300

You sent me that reel about Woody Allen quote and I watched it three times. to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. and somewhere in the loop of it I found myself, because that is exactly where I have been living, caught in the logic of a trap I built around my own heart and called it protection.

You were always smarter than me, and wiser too, I will admit that without flinching. you said love is about vulnerability, about accepting it, probably at the first times, I didn’t know what vulnerability meant, sitting with it, not running from the open wound of it. and you were right. but I was afraid. not in the way people are afraid of romantic heartbreak, that was almost too clean a fear for what I carried. mine was older and less nameable. it came from a series of abandonments I collected before I even knew what love was supposed to feel like. people left. again and again people left. and eventually something in me decided, quietly and without asking my permission, that if I never fully arrived somewhere, no one could fully leave me. so I became defensive. I became someone who stood at the door of every good thing with one foot already pointed toward the exit. I questioned the innocent people brought

Love as Coping Mechanism

Tue, 24 Feb 2026 23:58:17 +0300

Every trauma survivor can fall into this trap, even the ones who learned to survive by avoiding, distancing, or shutting down. When they finally find someone who feels safe, someone who feels like power, like stability, like meaning, it can feel as if their world has finally aligned. If they are lucky enough to build something real with that person, they may experience some of the best days of their lives. Love softens them. It opens doors that have been locked for years. In many ways, it does heal.

Take Care of Yourself, For Me

Tue, 17 Feb 2026 00:00:00 +0300

You have no idea how much I care about your health. I have never cared for someone the way I care for you, and I don’t care for you only when you are shining. I will choose to stay with you even in the darkness, rather than be with everyone else in their brightest. I love you in all your states. I only love you more when you share your weakness with me, and I keep telling you, show me the hurt and I will love you more. I will make sure you don’t feel it again.

Fixing myself Makes Me Forgetful

Sun, 15 Feb 2026 23:28:00 +0300

I felt sorry today. I opened our GitHub issue and saw that every post I had marked for you was checked on the same day. more than ten pieces, all read carefully by you. yesterday you sent me one, and you even managed to publish three. until now, I have not read them. instead, I woke up and wrote five more of my own. in that moment I felt like someone who only speaks and never listens.

New Fear Unlocked - It Might Work Now

Fri, 13 Feb 2026 01:20:59 +0300

This one is almost funny.

You once tried to “punish” my unpredictable behavior with silence, and back then, it didn’t really work on me. I stayed busy. Distracted myself. When I leave situations, I emotionally shut down. It’s how I avoid processing things too fast. So it looked like I was fine.

But the truth? I wasn’t feeling it the way I should have. but now it’s different.

Now I think if you ever tried silence again, it would undo me. Because there is no rejection heavier than the one that comes from the person you love. That kind of quiet would echo too much.