Last semester, many things happened that made me lose my spark. I started doing things as if they were just tasks without enjoyment or a sense of fun. Because of that, I feel like I’ve lost my sense of direction. I hesitate whenever I need to make a decision, and I’m slowly losing confidence in my ability to handle things. This started around five months ago. I overthink every decision I make and feel deeply confused about my future whether I can handle it, whether I’m capable of being productive again, and whether I can properly take care of my health. I feel most confident when I’m in control of my life, but lately that feeling has been slipping away.

Some of the reasons behind this are: My relationships didn’t feel satisfying. Omar and Lujaian moved away, my college friends get busy, my best friend disappeared, and you was stuck in a push-and-pull dynamic. My grades in my work class weren’t good, even when I was fully focused on college. I wasn’t consistent with the gym or with crochet.

I tried for a long time to be productive, but I still felt empty, as if something was missing. I don’t know what I truly need anymore. Is it a life full of achievements, or is it listening to my heart and being gentle with myself doing my hobbies, spending time with the people I love, and living a calm life without that guilty voice in my head? The voice that tells me resting is wrong, that I must always work and achieve more. At the same time, I don’t want to give up on my dreams or live without purpose. I don’t want to be someone who lives only for herself without contributing anything to the community especially when I’ve been given so many privileges that I don’t want to waste. I want to use my full potential. I want to learn discipline. But I also want a calm life to breathe, to be free, to be a little messy, and to do what I love. Maybe what I need is balance. Maybe it won’t be easy. But I will try.