When we stop talking, even for a short while, which never happens for a long period after we came to be us, something inside me collapses faster than I would like to admit. I start turning against myself. I replay everything. I magnify my mistakes. Distance with you doesn’t feel neutral; it feels like falling back to zero. That’s why I spoke before about love becoming a coping mechanism. Trauma survivors, especially avoidant ones, sometimes convince themselves that love alone is enough healing. It becomes the new comfort zone, the new safe place where everything feels quiet and manageable.

When I’m with you, the noise inside me disappears. The old fears, the unfinished wounds, the parts of me I haven’t fully healed from, they go silent. It almost feels as if I am healed completely, as if you close the doors on the monsters without even trying. I love that feeling. I love how calm I become around you. But I also know now that the monsters are not gone; they are just quieter. There are still parts of me I need to work on, parts I should confront instead of forgetting.

When you don’t text, when you pull back, it becomes harder than I expect. I feel exposed to myself again. The silence makes me face what I usually drown in your presence. It’s difficult to admit this because I don’t want to sound weak or dependent, but it is honest. I need you in the way lungs need oxygen, not as decoration, not as luxury, but as something that keeps me steady and functioning. Without you, I can still stand, but I feel unbalanced, like I’m learning to breathe again.

And yes, I know when I hurt you, I deserve to feel the weight of it. I don’t want you to swallow your pride when I’m wrong. If I disappoint you, I would rather you show me. Not to punish me, but to protect yourself and what we have. Your seriousness reminds me that your heart is not something I get to mishandle. It keeps me aware. It keeps me responsible. it reminds me how much I need you.

I don’t just love you. I need you, not as an escape, but as someone who anchors me. I don’t want to forget that feeling. I want to stay conscious of how much you matter to me, not out of fear of losing you, but out of respect for what we are building.