What I remember about that night.

What is funny about that night was the following.

Asking for a call

I was so nervous.
I did not know what to do.

Asking for a call was a wise choice.
Even if it was hard for you to prepare on your side, the decision was wise.

We got to catch up as if we did not confess to each other moments ago.
And it was a bit of relief.

It is not the first time we joined a call together.
But maybe it was the first time that it was not about work.
Not about something else.

It was the first time it was about us.

Hearing you on the call was nice.
Much more beautiful than voice recordings.

I do not love to comment on these details, and I did not want to comment on them.
I can control and think of what I let outside of my mouth or not.
I decided to keep this one.

You were calm.
Your voice was so restful.

You talked slowly when receiving my affirmations, as if you were shy.
Maybe I loved it because I imagined you smiling behind the screen.
And god, I love your smile. it is the most beautiful smile I have seen before.

Your voice was not shaking.
You were just talking a bit slower than usual. quieter.

For about half an hour, while you were talking, I sat on the couch listening to you.
I did not feel anything else.

I was not tense in my body.
I was not feeling numb.

I was just floating.

As if only my body and your voice existed, and nothing else.

I was laying my head back, closing my eyes.
And it was so quiet out there.

The peace I felt that day was something precious and momentary.

I suddenly decided to fix my posture, only to find that my leg and hand were numb because of a wrong sitting position.
But I did not feel them.

I did not feel them because I was so into hearing every single word you were saying.
And finally letting something inside.

And finally not running away.

I felt a bit anxious for a second.
Realizing that one of the best moments might have just finished.

That we would spend this night confessing to each other.
And that this might not happen again.

Because indeed, it is a one time thing.
The first time is the most beautiful one.

I started to think if there was a way to capture this moment so I could live it in the future.

I did not want to interrupt what could come naturally by recording it.
I hoped you were recording something, as I felt you were using your laptop.

But then I said, let me just live this for once in my life.

Just let me experience it.

And I did.

I allowed myself to experience it.

Planning for the future

This one is both funny and heart warming.

I somehow magically did not run away.

I mentioned something in the messages about being afraid of the inconvenience that might happen in the future.
And it was just me trying to attach every negative reason to lie to myself.
For not admitting love to myself, before admitting it to someone else.

Then in the call, you told me that we are still young.
I am 21 and you are 20.

We have time to plan for our future.

You kept talking about this for around a minute or so.

And I was like, am I dreaming.
This happened so fast.

Am I planning for my future with her already.

Oh shoot, I did not think this would arrive this early.

I did not panic.
Because it was calming in a strange way.

Why was my body not feeling the need to run.

As if I wanted to hear you saying that.

Damn, my subconscious mind was not telling me what I truly want.
It was hiding my true desires away from me.

I did not realize them unless you spoke that night.
Unless you confessed that you do not see me as a friend.

Yes, I panicked.
But it was not because you rushed things.

It was because I had a momentary thought.
If I messed this up, I might lose you.

And I was not planning to lose you at any cost.

But hearing that was not frightening.
As if I wanted you to say it.

It was a funny night.

I was just trying to have a peaceful night.
And I found myself on a call with you, talking about planning our future.

If someone told me that morning that all of this would happen, I would not have believed them.

But it happened.