To pick me up, and pull me out of this whole I’m trapped in NF

Yes, deep down we both wanted this to happen. I perhaps would have never found myself in such trapped position to confront myself, and maybe even if I was heald maybe I would have delayed the confession for years, but you would have lost faith in me, not that you would hate me, but you can invest in someone who isn’t there for you. I did run multiple times, and maybe wished you would forget me, but I knew deep down I did not want you to forget. I wanted you to come back to me.

the only explanation for dragging you into the shadows with me and being hard on you is that I wanted you to save me. you and no one else. this is it. when I sent you that video on January 8th 2025, apologizing and asking you to forgive me because I kept making it hard for you and you are still young, I did not have this realization consciously. but it was there. it was subtle and subconscious. I did not want anyone else to pull me from this hole I am trapped in except you.

For a long time you were the beating heart of this relationship. perhaps you sensed it deep inside, that I was not treating you as ordinary. yes, I am secretive and I did not let you into my life earlier, but maybe you knew subconsciously that I was calling for help from you. maybe you knew that I’ve got a thing for you.

We made it because of the parts of us, that were whispering to each other not to let go. but you were the one who managed to hold on all these years. to save us.

Do not feel shy or doubt. I know these feelings are kind of strange. we have never looked at ourselves or each other this honestly, they are completely strange for me, and for you too. but they exist. strangely these emotions exist, as if there were there forever, even if we did not like each other when we first met, even if we were hating each other, and were never two who would have worked, passing through a story like the one we did together is enough to make something happen. it is as if this was either way inevitable. it could have happened in any way.

Yes, I wished if we could both find a way not to confess and let it all out, and just keep moving forward together slowly as we used to be. but there is no way. it happened this way, unless you were honest with me that night when you were losing faith and placed me in that position, we would have probably lost it. maybe you would have either lost faith or crafted a reason to stay momentary until the final let go.

I do not want you to think about other scenarios, we are here now, we did what we did, if its a wrong, if its a right, it happened, we will even the odds of it, and make it clear, on how to sustain what is next, I don’t want you to think about what happened. what happened, happened. we are here now. we are stuck by the glue now, and we need to make it work. we have something real now, and we need to figure out a way on how to maintain it over teh years, how to let our affection calm down so we can live our life as we used to. and not feels so hard to be detached from one another. we will figure it all out!.