I started to write about you in the most recent months, across multiple notes.
Because you were just different.

I knew for sure that I was lying to myself if I said I wanted you as a friend.
So I could not imagine it.

I knew for sure that I would keep sending you back.
So maybe I tried to understand myself better. and understand you better.

Maybe something would surface.
Maybe by rationalizing you, I could understand why I played this game of push and pull with you.

Maybe I would understand why I kept coming back. or why you kept coming back.
Maybe I would wake something up, and stop lying to myself.

I called this rationalizing you.

As if there was something I did not understand.
As if there was something I was trying to hide about myself.

And perhaps, as I usually make my real thoughts visible to my eyes through writing, I would do this through writing too.

It was a journey of trying to look at you as I truly wanted to see you.

Because I was not just avoiding myself.
I was avoiding you.

I was avoiding looking at you honestly.
Because this picture, perhaps, scared me. The picture of what you mean to me.