you asked me if what I am doing currently in life is what I truly want. while I was planning to keep everything for better days to talk about it, I was also hiding parts I am not really proud of. stories that no one knows about. battles that I had to endure alone.

during this year, and since March 2025, from the outside everything looks fine. just as always. I would never expect that there would come a day where people see me bending. I have everything. I do what I want. and I am kind of killing it. I am learning. I am catching up with the things I should be doing.

so I am functional.

this is my best description. I was functional at doing the things I was supposed to do.

but from the inside, since March 2025, I started to lose faith in my heart. I started to lose my spark for almost everything. life began to feel heavy.

I am usually someone who has long bursts of productive days followed by low periods. but this time it did not follow that rhythm. deep down, I knew something was broken. and I feared that if I ever became functional again, I would be less able to feel anything.

more than ever, I had no motivation to do anything. I managed to keep going through discipline alone. but this time even discipline felt heavy.

in more recent months, especially after August, I stayed productive. but suddenly I started stopping the things I once enjoyed. I crafted logical reasons to lie to myself. that nothing was wrong. that it was just something technical and temporary.

I did not want to admit that I was not okay. because I did not know exactly why I was losing faith. or in what part of my life I was losing it.

what I knew was this. I was losing faith that things would get better. and there was something inside me that was not fine. it was slowly eating me from the inside, day after day.

I started dropping projects I was part of. postponing ideas I should have been building. finishing commitments without staying present. ghosting the world.

I spent time with close friends online. I tried asking them, indirectly, if they ever felt like losing passion for life completely. they helped me in small ways. and yet I avoided them too.

I was cracking from the inside. and no one knew.

then I started to process everything. I had to face the things I had been running from. because now I felt trapped. I could not run anymore. I had to decide what to do next. because I did not want to live like this.

I did not know why I lost the spark. I had no clear reason. and I never got it back. not until today.

just this week, I began thinking about it again. what can I do to get my spark back? this is perhaps the longest period I have ever lost it. eleven months have passed, and I am still not there.

what scares me is this. from the outside, I am functional. I can do what I am supposed to do. no one can tell that I am losing faith.

but I would have done it more awake. more present. more engaged.

not this tired. not this committed only by force.

I want to get my spark back. I want to start doing things I love again. I want to enter seasons of undisturbed learning and growth in my life.

I want this version of myself back.