You asked me if what I am doing currently in life is what I truly want. while I was planning to keep everything for better days to talk about it, I was also hiding parts that I am not really proud of.

From the outside, I have everything. I do what I want. I am learning. I am catching up with the things I should be doing.

But internally, since March 2025, I started to lose faith in my heart. I started to lose my spark for doing almost everything. I was not motivated as I used to be. I managed to do things through discipline alone, and this time it felt heavy.

I did not want to live this way.

I did not know why I lost the spark. I had no clear reason. and I never got it back. not until today.

Just this week, I started thinking about it again. what can I do to get my spark back. it is perhaps the longest period I have ever lost it. eleven months passed, and I am still not there.

What scares me is that from the outside I am functional. I can do what I am supposed to do. but I would have done it more awake. more present. more engaged. not this tired. not this committed only by force.

I want to get my spark back. I want to start doing things that I love again. I want to enter seasons of undisturbed learning and growth in my life.

I want this version of myself back.