I went to log that I’m angry. I was really frustrated from the kid who left the pan on the heat for too long, and when I tried to move it, the oil poured on me. it was painful and even five hours later I was still hurting. when I opened the app How We Feel to record that anger, I saw your log saying longing again. I did not react to it at first, I was too irritated to respond properly. but somewhere in the middle of that frustration, a strange thought crossed my mind. I had been cooking and preparing iftar for an hour already, and I was missing you. I caught myself thinking what am I doing here with these idiots, I should be spending this time texting you instead. for a brief second I was not that angry anymore, and I could not understand why.

I did not text you then. I went outside to buy burn cream and other medical aids for cases like this. I stopped by the supermarket to get a few things, still carrying that irritation in my chest. and then, just as I was walking, you sent me a message saying take your time and just remember your girl is waiting for you. I could not hold it. I suddenly remembered how much I love you. I tried not to soften for the first time. I told myself you are angry, it is irrational to feel love right now. how can you tell her you love her when five minutes ago you were mad. it does not make sense. so I dismissed it once, then twice.

While shopping you asked if I was okay. we talked a little, and when I told you I needed some time, I felt the urge to write I love you. again I resisted. I said this is not the time. she will feel something is off, she might think and know you are not fully angry. so I discarded the message before sending it. but it was not long before I could not hold it anymore. when you send “waiting for you”,it made no sense to me. I was angry, but there was no relief in that anger. instead there was love. I swear it felt strange, and new. I had never experienced loving someone minutes after being genuinely mad.

I am still processing what happened, so I do not have the perfect language for it yet. but now I understand you more. there were many times when you were upset and I did nothing dramatic. I just stayed there, texted you lightly, did not insist, and somehow you calmed down. you would even get mad at me for helping you soften and not hold onto the anger. today for the first time, that same thing happened to me. I was planning to go back and humiliate the kid and be hard on him. now I do not even feel like it. let him make his mistakes. I have you. I do not fully understand it, but it happened.