I am drained in the way that makes everything feel distant. heart palpitations that sit uncomfortable in my chest, a headache that has made itself at home, zero appetite, zero energy, that specific kind of sick where the world shrinks to the size of the room you are lying in and nothing outside of it feels worth the effort.

When I am like this I disappear. that has always been the pattern. I cave inward, I go quiet, I do not text back, I do not want to be seen or heard or reached. being sick is one of the few times I am completely unavailable to everyone including myself. I have never had to fight this instinct because I never wanted to.

And then she woke up.

She texted me. started telling me how she was, what was happening in her world, the small updates that make up a day. and something shifted. I did not want to go quiet. I wanted to be there. I was exhausted and uncomfortable and running on nothing and I wanted to talk to her. I found myself smiling at my phone in the middle of feeling terrible, which is its own kind of strange. not a performance of feeling better. just the actual, involuntary thing that happens to your face when someone reaches you somewhere deep.

I downloaded an entire app just to see the reels she sent me.

That is the detail that tells you everything. I could not get out of bed but I found the energy to download an app. sick, drained, head splitting, and there I was, setting up an account, just to be in the same small digital space as her for a few more minutes. I broke a habit I have had my entire life without even deciding to break it. she just made the other side more appealing than the cave.

I love my darling, completely, even on the days I have nothing left to give anyone. especially on those days.