It is just me moving between curses.

My first curse was that I could not love. I could not keep you as just a friend. I could not love you the way I wanted. there was always a line in between. I wanted to cross it, but something inside me would not let me. the monster guarding the door. I wanted you, but the monster said no.

That was a curse because desire was there, but expression was blocked. I was split between fear and longing.

My second curse was trying to love you quietly instead of loudly. I thought maybe control was the answer. maybe if I reduced the volume, I could survive it. we even planned “The Way Forward Series” so we would not go crazy. so we could be rational. structured. careful.

I thought I was handling it.

Now my curse is different.

Now I love you in a way that sometimes I can only vent through tears. in a way my heart almost refuses to feel all of it at once, because it might hurt. it is intense. it is full. it is more than I am used to carrying.

But this shift is not like the others.

Before, the curse was absence. distance. suppression. now the curse is abundance. overflow. too much love instead of not enough.

And if I have to choose, I would choose this.

I would choose the sickness of loving you over the emptiness of not loving you.

I would choose the risk of facing the world with this weight in my chest, rather than fighting the world without you.

If it is a curse, then let it be this one.

I would still choose you.