I learned that I cannot truly feel a connection unless I allow myself to be vulnerable and dependent. yet being dependent on something feels like it compromises the independence I have been carefully building for so long. I have always protected that independence, almost fiercely.

Today, it felt as if my soul was craving you. I felt a deep longing simply because we did not talk. maybe because there is distance, I was not terrified of this feeling when it appeared. I let it exist instead of resisting it.

This feeling came so quickly. just two days after our confessions, I can see my dependence more clearly. I think I always had it in me, maybe it was the reason driving back to you every time, but independence kept winning. I have never missed a person this fast, or this intensely. I have never felt a craving for someone before.

It scares me. but strangely, I am not afraid.

I am appreciative, even alongside this longing. knowing that you once longed for me, and that it hurt you so deeply, changes the weight of what I am feeling now. this feeling of being dependent on someone’s presence is frightening, but maybe that is the price we pay to truly feel something.

You were patient with me. you hid it from me so I would not run away. and I am grateful that you did, because I would have run. I know that now. I am sorry for that.

One day, we will reopen these pages and revisit them. but for now, longing for someone when they are not around is hard. and in this, I understand you more than ever.