It really hurt my heart seeing you hurt. I cannot stand a single moment knowing you are not okay. it consumes my thoughts in a way I cannot control. I try to distract myself but I fail every time, especially when I know that I am the one who triggered the pain, whether intentionally or not. the worst world I can imagine is not a world where I lose something material, but a world where you are scared, where you are hurting, where you feel alone.

I want to devote every power in me to protecting you. I want you to feel safe, loved, included, seen, whole. you are not alone in this world, not as long as I am here. the way I look at you is unlike the way I look at anyone else. the respect I have for you is beyond measure. I have never seen you through the lens of the insecurities you project onto yourself. you say you are a clown for returning every time, but what about me. I am the one who kept coming back, who kept breaking my own rules, who kept lying to myself that I was independent while I was still searching for something in you. I would never call that cheap. I would never call you available. even writing those words makes me uncomfortable. it was never that. it was love, and I have never reduced you to anything less than everything.

When you told me, “thank you for the clarity, I think I need some time to sit with my feelings, then come back,” I wanted to respect that. I wanted to give you space, even though my mind started racing. I felt myself drifting toward that old place where I hate myself and replay everything I have done wrong. but this time it was different. I was not drowning in self punishment. I was consumed by how you were feeling. I was worried about you, not just about my mistakes. what overwhelmed me was not my shame, but the thought that you might be carrying pain because of me.

For the first time, I wanted to help more than I wanted to escape into my own head. I did not want to retreat and sabotage myself. I wanted to know how to make this less painful for you. I have never cared about someone in this way before, to the point that their sadness pulls me out of isolation and forces me to see life as something shared. I did not want to live separately in my guilt while you lived separately in your hurt. I wanted to carry it with you.

And then I kept thinking about something that broke me. I can barely handle a few hours of knowing that someone I love is not okay. how did you carry this for three years. how did you sleep at night knowing I was not okay. how did you stay when things I said triggered me, you hurt both of us. the more I talk to you, the more I know you. the more I know you, the more I understand you. the more I understand you, the more I feel you. the more I feel you, the more I see your love. and the more I see your love, the more I love you.

You are the person I want to keep. you are the one I want to protect. you and no other. my dear darling, I am sorry.